Tuesday, May 3, 2011

Judas Asparagus (a re-post from Malakai's Pages)

A child was asked to write a summary of The Holy Bible. This is what he came up with. It’s hilarious, especially near the end…
And I can so imagine Kai coming up with a similar, if not a worse version than this one…enjoy! (I did!) XD
The Children’s Bible in a Nutshell
In the beginning, which occurred near the start, there was nothing but God, darkness, and some gas.  The Bible says,‘The Lord thy God is one, but I think He must be a lot older than that.
Anyway, God said, ‘Give me a light!’ and someone did.
Then God made the world.
He split the Adam and made Eve.  Adam and Eve were naked,but they weren’t embarrassed because mirrors hadn’t beeninvented yet.
Adam and Eve disobeyed God by eating one badapple, so they were driven from the Garden of Eden…..Not sure what they were driven in though, because they didn’t have cars.
Adam and Eve had a son, Cain, who hated his brother as longas he was Abel.
Pretty soon all of the early people diedoff, except for Methuselah, who lived to be like a million or something.
One of the next important people was Noah, who was a good guy,but one of his kids was kind of a Ham.  Noah built alarge boat and put his family and some animals on it. He askedsome other people to join him, but they said they wouldhave to take a rain check.
After Noah came Abraham, Isaac, and Jacob.  Jacob was morefamous than his brother, Esau, because Esau sold Jacob hisbirthmark in exchange for some pot roast.  Jacob had a sonnamed Joseph who wore a really loud sports coat.
Another important Bible guy is Moses, whose real name wasCharlton Heston.  Moses led the Israel Lights out of  Egyptand away from the evil Pharaoh after God sent ten plagues onPharaoh’s people.  These plagues included frogs, mice, lice,bowels, and no cable.God fed the Israel Lights every daywith manicotti.  Then he gave them His Top Ten Commandments. These include: don’t lie, cheat, smoke, dance, or covet yourneighbor’s stuff.
Oh, yeah, I just thought of one more:Humor thy father and thy mother.
One of Moses’ best helpers was Joshua who was the firstBible guy to use spies.  Joshua fought the battle of Geritol andthe fence fell over on the town.
After Joshua came David.  He got to be king by killing agiant with a slingshot.  He had a son named Solomon who hadabout 300 wives and 500 porcupines.  My teacher says he was wise,but that doesn’t sound very wise to me.
After Solomon there were a bunch of major league prophets.  One of these was Jonah, who was swallowed by a big whale and thenbarfed up on the shore.
There were also some minor leagueprophets, but I guess we don’t have to worry about them.
After the Old Testament came the New Testament.  Jesus is thestar of The New.  He was born in  Bethlehem  in a barn. (I wish I had been born in a barn too, because my mom is always saying to me, ‘Close the door! Were you born in a barn?’ It wouldbe nice to say, ‘As a matter of fact, I was.’)
During His life, Jesus had many arguments with sinners likethe Pharisees and the Republicans.  Jesus also had twelve opossums.
The worst one was Judas Asparagus.  Judas was so evil that theynamed a terrible vegetable after him.
Jesus was a great man.  He healed many leopards and evenpreached to some Germans on the Mount.
But the Republicans and all those guys put Jesus on trial before Pontius the Pilot.  Pilot didn’t stick up for Jesus.  He just washed his hands instead.
Anyways, Jesus died for our sins, then came back to life again.  He went up to Heaven but will be back at the end of theAluminum..  His return is foretold in the book of Revolution.

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