Tuesday, May 3, 2011

The Chronicles of Zak: My Two Boys (a re-post from Malakai's Pages)

How do you choose between two beautiful boys?
All my life, I have loved one man at a time: growing up, no one measured up to my Dad’s dedication and unconditional love – and that hasn’t ebbed – more so now, that love is cemented by immense respect for the sacrifice he continues to pour into his family. Then came crushes and boyfriends, which, of course, came one at a time and ended in matrimony with Max.
Then came Malakai Rei, absolute center of my life for the last four years, so when news came that I was pregnant again this year, I fervently prayed for a girl, but Kai was destined to have the brother he so wanted since news of my pregnancy came out, little Zakkari.
Both born on a Tuesday, 4 years and 107 days apart, my two boys look exactly the same – came out small like the both can fit in the middle of your palm, no more no less, same facial features, similar skinny structure, same amount of hair on their bodies and head…the list can go on.
The big difference was, one was at ease and cared for immediately after birth and more than happy to be out (though still a bit too excited as Kai was born 4 weeks earlier than due date), but the latter is constantly facing pain and struggle every single day of his 6 days thus far. Every time I look at Zak encased in an acrylic plastic box (he’s the only one in his batch to have such special treatment), with tubes leading inward or outward from his body, I swallow a sob (after the nth time, it gets easier…). The way he’s pinned down makes me think of the Chemistry experiments we used to have with frogs in high school (with the frog, I was already feeling a sense of compassion for but with Zak, the sympathy shoots through the roof!)
So here’s my dilemma – I make room 427 at UERM my address for more than a week with fluctuating blood pressure scores and I am naturally frustrated to be holed up in my small space but am powerless to say “I want to leave Now! (so I could be with Kai too, because this is the longest that I have been away from him since birth)” like the brat that I am until my BP stabilizes, which could be in a million years…and yet, I feel bound to stay for anything that Zak might need from me (to date, he’s still at a 60% risk while he’s intubated and incubated), in which case, I really feel awful having to leave him behind, and dread further the thought of leaving him for another two months at the worst scenario.
Am I a bad Mom for wanting, no, needing to go home to be with my other son even for just one night?
Already, I am thinking of potentially working at the newborn ICU to care for the babies there just so I could see Zak legitimately and for longer hours every single day.
Quite a mouthful but in a nutshell, how do you choose whom to prefer between these two precious boys?
Ngayon lang ako mamamangka sa dalawang ilog…and it’s such an arduous thing to do!

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